The Learned Smelfungus

She ascribed the recent phenomena of his crying at the movies to lower testosterone, which he thought reasonable once he thought about it. Suddenly the situation made sense – tears welled up during all sorts of different scenes, from domestic dramas to spaghetti westerns– no form of cinema was exempt.

First he consulted the Magic 8 ball, asking, 'am I a crybaby?' The 8 ball answered, 'Concentrate and ask again,' which is no answer at all. Perhaps corporate interests were involved--the 8 ball's manufactured by Mattel, makers of the Barbie doll, and it no doubt behooves Mattel to provide vague answers to stockholder concerns.

The crisis created by his crying at the movies was soon eclipsed by an overwhelming need to be surrounded by people who believe things have meanings! Once he identified candidates, he divided them into sub groups– those who didn't answer texts, those who didn't answer emails, and those who didn't answer phone calls but had caller ID. Lumped together, these groups comprised the true 1%-spoiled rich kids who stand in line for Star Wars movies.

A retreat to the 18th century was in order. He salved his hurt feelings in the words of Laurence Sterne, former mentor: 'what a large volume of adventures may be grasped within in this little span of life by him who interests his heart in everything, and who, having eyes to see, what time and chance are perpetually holding out to him as he journeyeth on his way, misses nothing he can fairly lay his hands on'--

The Learned Smelfungus? A pet name bestowed by Sterne upon fellow novelist Tobias Smollet, a writer who lives today in smelfungusville, if he lives at all.