My Last Vote Didn't Count

A year or so ago I decided to never vote again! 

And then I began to feel cheated.

So I requested a ballot of my own, one of those special kinds of ballots I could mark up anyway I wished and always be happy with the outcome.

You’re in the system they said, you should be receiving your special absentee ballot shortly.

When my special absentee ballot didn’t arrive within the 3-week window they said it would I called the ballot office. The man there said there must have some mistake, and that he’d check into it.

Don’t worry, I said. I’m done with voting! I’ll never vote again! What’s voting ever done for me? In fact, what’s so-called Democracy ever done for me other than put a little money in my pocket and give me wrinkles? The vote’s always against me, and if it’s against me not they overturn it so it is against me.

Furthermore, I continued, the recent Supreme Court decision on Voting Rights makes me want to throw up. This Court is crooked, a cooked-up hodgepodge of Originalists and other Right-wing extremists appointed by nitwit Presidents, the product of the 70-year project of The Coot Party.

 The Coot Party? The nice man at the ballot office asked, as if he’d only heard of Republicans and Democrats and Independents.

 Yes, The Coots, I said. The Coots would like nothing better than to control everything. 

 The nice man seemed a little horrified, if marginally interested.

Here’s how The Coots work, I explained. First they shit on everything in sight, then they waddle away from everything they’ve shit on, hoping you’re stupid enough to follow in their footsteps.