Welcome to the world of negative interest rates

If I were to say to you, I don't know which Republican to vote for, they're all so compelling, would you believe me?

The Irish have a way of agreeing with you, as if what you've just said is your own idea and that it's brilliant, though in private they disagree with everything you've just said.

When watching a chase scene in a crime movie the question always comes up, why don't the cops just shoot the back tires of the car they're chasing? A car with flat tires no longer serves the purpose of a car, renders the car into carlessness, obviating the chase, preserving fossil fuel and quite possibly saving human lives. If elected police chief I promise that all officers will be trained in the art of shooting the back tires of any car being pursued while suspected of criminal intent.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage my good friend, John Prine. John's been a wonderful supporter for so many years. John, come on up here, sing that song of yours that has the lyrics, 'ain't it funny how a broken bottle looks just like a diamond ring.' Folks, it's my pleasure to introduce the great John Prine.

Yesterday I saw a man pedaling furiously up the steepest hill in my hometown. It was an unseasonably warm day and he was wearing bike shorts. I didn't notice until I was almost past him that he had a metal leg.

My fellow Americans, I know I speak for you when I say I wouldn't want to live in a world that had negative interest rates in it.