An advertisement for the 1970's

I dreamed I was in the Republican Debate wearing a Maidenform Bra.

Jake Tapper asked me if I liked living in San Francisco. Great name by the way, Jake, your mom and dad did well.

Yeah, it's pretty cool, I said, trying to siphon votes off the liberal wing of the party by feigning support of the LGBT Community, then shamelessly invoking The Castro in an attempt to connect with the Latino bloc.

The audience gasped. Donald Trump, eyeing my breasts, tried to butt in, but I continued. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz were surprisingly silent, so I soldiered on.

Sometimes it seems to me, I said, that San Francisco is in danger of becoming a place carved up into little pieces to be served only to rich people, when I want people from all walks of life to have access to The American Dream.

Big round of applause!

I was afraid I'd somehow insulted Jeb Bush--he's a Big Guy and his wife's Latino (or is she Latina?). He shot me a glance so withering it steamed up his reading glasses. I Iike Jeb, he reminds me of my frat brothers, except that he went to U of Texas and I went to a community college.

Mike Huckabee is a secret smirker, no question about it.

I like Rand Paul more than I thought I would. The possibility of little to no foreign intervention is intriguing, though in possible violation of Republican principles.

The guy from Ohio, I forget his name, is entirely forgettable but could be a dark horse. He too is disgusted with Washington D.C. after serving there for so many years. He's old enough to remember flying in Air Force One, the backdrop for the stage we were sharing, with the great Ronald Reagan, the last great President of the republic, and a great man.

Carly Fiorina doesn't seem to like me very much. But I like her, she's a very nice person.