The President Goes to Jail, as Narrated by Rachel Carson and Brooks Roddan

 Reading Time 3 minutes: Re-reading Time 2: 45

They’ll pat him down, checking for ticks, looking in his underpants and between his toes. If it turns out that a complete hose down is required, it is to be administered by two gargantuan prison guards born in rural Georgia who were denied their voting rights in 2020.

This is after, of course, his lawyers have exhausted all legal loopholes, up to and including a visit to The Supreme Court which has, shockingly, just ruled to decriminalize tax evaders and to shut down all law-abiding abortion clinics.

In the event the ex-president is not physically fit enough to serve his jail time like a man, having consumed too many Monsanto burgers washed down with giant slugs of Round Up, he will be required to perform 4 years of community service, picking up trash (fast-food wrappings, cigarette butts and beer cans, plastic bags from Walmart etc etc) thrown out of speeding cars along I-80 between Evanston and Rock Springs, Wyoming) enough trash to satisfy the disgust of at least one of his ex-wives…

Note: Rachel Carson, legendary author of Silent Spring, and a lifelong Republican of all things, is unable to continue her narration. From this point forward Brooks Roddan will pick up the slender thread, offering commentary on the over-use of the words, amaze, amazed, and amazing, and the consequences of this over-use on the body politic.

Mr Roddan: The stuff that the people care about never ceases to amaze the marketers who sell the stuff they themselves are amazed by, who in turn communicate their personal and professional amazement to the amazement of the target market who, not knowing they’ve been targeted, share the general amazement, having been told they’re amazing and believing what they’ve been told, and buy the amazing thing amazement offers, the amazing product(s) guaranteed to change their lives.

Bleak House, cellblock #45, holding tank for criminal ex-Presidents, as seen in a previously unreleased official photograph, May, 22, 2021.