Had I not

Had I not been autodidactic and instead been an academician I might have fallen for the notion that socialism is some sort of disease.

Had I been a real capitalist with a five or ten year plan, and not been a hippie house painter who played pick-up basketball on the beachfront courts in Venice, California, I might have made more money.

Had I not drunk three-quarters of a bottle of tequila and passed out in the snow that night near Lake Tahoe I would not have found the dog, a German Wirehair Pointer, by the side of the road the next morning.

Had I not found that dog that dog might still be living.

Had I not smoked the first cigarette I wouldn't have smoked the second.

Had I not gone to college, had I not married, had I not had children, had I not paid my taxes.

Had I never been a victim and always been kind to those who oppressed me.

Had I not had a mother and a father or a little brother.

Had I never heard of Mary Baker Eddy and Ezra Pound.

Had I never had a beer.

Had I not written.

Had I not read Lenny Bruce's book or The Red and the Black.

Had I not interrupted the host of the dinner party in The Presidio who insisted on claiming that the book Farenheit 451 was banned from public libraries by The Bush Administration.

Had I never met my wife or had she not met me.

Had I become the lawyer my mother hoped I would be.

Had I never lied.

Had I continued my belief in Christian Science.

Had I caught more fish that evening in Wyoming.

Had my father been a better father.

Had I never eaten meat.

Had I not hitchhiked across the country in 1969.

Had I not become an insomniac recently.

Had I not had an aunt who was an actress in the 1940s and stood in for Joan Crawford, and had I not had an uncle who joined the Air Force at 18 years old and flew bombing missions over Asia in World War II.

Had I never ridden a bicycle.

Had I not written a poem I never would have read Shinkichi Takahashi or Fernando Pessoa.

Had I not flunked algebra in high school I never would have written a poem. 

Had I not played basketball and tennis I never would have played golf.

Had the substitute teacher not picked me up by the ear when I was in 3rd grade.

Had I never drunk milk.

Had I not sat in the front seat, center stage at The Gate Theatre in Dublin, for the performance of Krapp's Last Tape starring the late John Hurt.

Had I not got on that airplane September 11, 2001.

Had I tried to describe the taste of a banana, as a writer once dared me to.

Had I not met __________ and ________________ and _________________________.

Had I spent more time meditating than I spent watching sports on tv.

Had I been more patient with my mother.

Had I been an astronaut instead of a small business owner.

Had I never eaten a home cooked meal.

Had I not seen Piet Mondrian's 'Broadway Boogie Woogie" at MOMA.

Had I been someone else.

Had I not been me.  

Beginning of painting "Giotto" or "Painting Perfect Circles Imperfectly", February, 2019. Photo by author.