Parenting Young Girls in the Age of Trump: A Guest Essay
IFSF is happy to announce a new series of "Guest" essays, in which friends and associates of IFSF are invited to contribute essays on subjects of their choice. The "Guest" pieces will be a monthly feature.
The first in a series of IFSF guest pieces--'Parenting Young Girls in the Age of Trump'-- is written by a 38-year old woman with a B.S. in Political Science who lives in the Pacific Northwest. A mother of two young girls, she's chosen to remain anonymous because of what she describes as the 'vitriol' surrounding her subject matter, and a desire to protect the privacy of her daughters. She says her "dream job would to be a political commentator on MSNBC."
My 6-year old daughter and I are at the deli counter. Jade is slicing a pound of Black Forest ham, extra thin, just the way my family likes it. As we move through the grocery store my daugher whispers to me, "Mommy, was that a boy or a girl?"
"Oh, I think that's a man who wants to be a woman." So he is living his life like a woman so he can be happy," I say, in a way I think my daughter can comprehend at her age.
She ponders this and then replies, "that's sad for her that she's not happy being a boy."
"It is," I say, as I reflect on her consice, sweet words.
Posted on our fridge is a photo of our friends on their wedding day, both impeccably dressed in matching tuxedos. My 10-year old sees the the new photo and says, "Ah, how cute. Ryan and Austin look so happy on their wedding day!" Growing up as a fith-grader today, knowing that there are men who love men and women who love women is, dare I say, normal. My daughter literally doesn't give it a second thought (after asking me once it is was "legal" and, thankfully I live in a state where I can say, "Yes!"). There is no moral judgement. Just immediate acceptance. I feel privileged to be able to mentor her as she is growing into a loving, kind young lady.
But I's be a liar if I didn't say that parenting has become increasingly difficult in the Trump Age; I can't count the number of times I've felt powerless and hopeless in the past 9 months. As the mother of two tender-hearted girls, I've always tried to encourage them to practice kindness and empathy toward everyone, to imagine what it's like to be in another person's shoes. Yet every time I reinforce this positive, inclusive view--a view that should be as natural and normal as breathing--I feel like I'm swimming upstream against a headlong current of hatred and discrimination, so much of which is a result of our President's rhetoric and his administration's policies. I constantly wonder: will these positive, empathetic messages I try to impart to my daughters drown out the madness of Trump's regressive, divisive messages. How much should I insulate them from 'the news'?
I've come to realize in the last few months that my words and actions have a much bigger impact on my girls than anything negative now going on in this upside-down world. And that the best way to protect them from the toxic, belligerent atmosphere now prevailing in this country is to continue providing examples of the opposite--and to trust that this way of parenting will ultimately produce open-hearted, humanistic, loving, adult human beings.
In some strange way, our President has created a teaching platform for parents. I know I've developed a series of mantras my my young daughters that I hold myself up to when Mr. Trump's frequently repellent behaviors rear their nasty little heads. Here are a few:
1.Being a strong, intelligent young woman freely expressing her views, means that you will not allow others to talk down to you, degrade you, or intimidate you. When you're out in the world, always stand up for yourself, but behave in a manner that reflects your integrity.
In a time when women are forced to endure the ever-present 'mansplaining' and misogny in their daily lives, it is bitterly disappointing that our President can behave however he wants and essentially, (save for a little bad press), get away with it. White males have been 'getting away' with bad behavior for years. Whether it's pussy-grabbing locker-room talk or attempting to silence female reporters by continually interrupting them, Trump is simply not respectful of women. So how do I possible reconcile this repugnant behavior with the fact that so many people in our country voted for him (including their grandmother and grandfather) to my girls. I can't rationalize it in my own mind, much less explain it in a way that a 6 and a 10-year old can undertstand...
2. It is important to always tell the truth. I cannot believe anything you say if you choose to lie, even about little things.
The amount of omissions, ever-changing explanations, untruths, alternative fact, deception and fiction that is put out by this administration on a regular basis is obviously meant to mislead the public and create a state of confusion.
3. It's most important to stand up for those who may be a little eccentric, different, or less powerful. Don't be a bully.
Undoubtedly, the most disheartening moment for me as a parent in the Trump era was the President's comments regarding the Charlottesvile white supremacist's march, when he insisted "there were some nice people on both sides." Shocked and horrified I turned toward my daughter, who was playing Legos nearly, a look of utter confusion on her face. "Mommy, why is Trump defending the bad guys?" There was a rare shrillness in her voice, a sense of urgency, and a pleading look in her eyes asking me to make sense of this craziness, as if to confirm the injustice of it all. Yes the First Amendment protects our right to say what we want and express freely how we feel, but its purpose is not to normalize hateful speech.
4. It is wrong to treat another person differently because of the color of their skin, the God to whom they pray or the person they choose to live. Always treat everyone with respect. Always be polite.
I admit there are times I'm tempted to give up, having to deflect so many of this President's abhorrent words and deeds--mocking a disabled reporter, calling Mexicans rapists and criminals, rescinding DACA, appointing several "alt-right" leaning racists to his cabinet, and most recently, offending most of the world at the UN conference. There often comes a time, usually at the end of the day when I'm tired and finally at a loss for words, when I find myself replying to one of my daughter's questions, "I don't know, sweetie, I just don't know."
But as a mother and a citizen, I've come to see that during this challenging time for our country--when the highest office in the land is absent of true leadership, not to mention a moral compass--I must keep repeating my refrains, my mantras, hoping my children will remember all that I'm trying to instill in them, in spite of it all.