Planned parenthood

This morning I was born again as a demographic.

It was so frightening I had to be given a sedative.

When I woke bright lights and cameras were in my face.

Fox News wanted me to do a sit-down with Bill O'Reilly.

They said that since I'd been a Republican from the very beginning, from the point of my conception to the time I spent in my mother's womb, that I understood what it was like to be a woman perfectly even though I am a man.

And since I was born a Republican I couldn't change.

I was the chosen one, the elected, I fit inside the demographic. And since I did it was my responsibility to speak out about the gruesome practice that allows women to control their reproductive rights.

Thank god it was only a dream, and that the sanctity of my demographic and the demographic of others like me is protected by the laws of our nation.

Senator Rand Paul has agreed to go on Fox News in my stead. Understanding women so perfectly, Senator Paul will speak on his own behalf and on behalf of others whose social and cultural values were misguided from the beginning and continue to be so.